She Waits

My period should have started yesterday. It didn't. It hasn't started yet today, either. It is 9:14am and I am officially two days late for the first time ever. I am not ever late...I am actually the opposite of late. My period always starts very early, like every 20-23 days. I have spent two years trying to get pregnant and one year on medication because I can't seem to ovulate on my own, which accounts for my short cycles. SO, I am never late. Not ever.

Last month, after 10 months of trying different things, tracking every single day and having bloodwork done monthly, I finally ovulated with a very high dose of Clomid mixed with something called Metformin. I got the phone call in the parking lot of Chick-Fil-A with my mom in the car with me. We were on the way to get lemonade before we started a girls shopping day at Southlake Town Center. To have my mom in town and actually with me when I got the phone call was amazing. It was the first good news phone call that I have ever gotten regarding this process and it felt amazing to hear the nurse sound happy on the phone. I prayed so hard that I was pregnant, but my period showed up right on time, making that cycle a perfect 28 days. I prayed so hard that it would be my month, but it wasn't meant to be. At least I got some good news for a change! This month has been crazy. I was sent to a fertility clinic to have an HSG test, otherwise known as a fallopian tube flush. That was easily the worst part of this whole process. The clinic was oddly quiet and the air was heavy with resignation, hope and sadness all at the same time. There were couples here and there and two women alone like I was. I sat in the dark maroon seat and tried not to cry...just the fact that I was there was overwhelming and the sense of failure settled over me like a cloud. I didn't want to be there. "The Center for Assisted Reproduction" is what they call it. I never want to be there again. The doctors (3 of them!) were very nice and worked quickly and while the test was incredibly painful, it was over fast and brought good news. My tubes work perfectly, no blockages at all, and my uterus is very healthy. They sent me out the door with pictures of my tubes filled up with the dye and I found myself in the parking lot wondering what you do with snapshots of your fallopian tubes. It was an odd moment to be sure. That test was on day 10 of my cycle. I can tell you exactly what day it is at any given time. My entire life seems to run in 24 hour increments. Medication on days 3-7, tubes flushed on day 10, ovulation hopefully around day 14, bloodwork on day 21, then watching each day after that; waiting and knowing that your period is going to show up and you will have to try again...make yourself okay...find your smile...start counting again...day one. Today is day 30. I have never gotten to day 30. I don't know what to do with myself.

I stopped buying pregnancy tests about 6 months ago. I was spending a fortune on them and it made the pain of a negative test even worse....Why did I buy these? I knew better than this! Another $20 down the drain for absolutely no reason...I don't even want to know how much money I have spent over the last few years. I hate the walk to the tests, the ridiculous hope that fills your chest and the voice inside your head that reminds you not to get your hopes up. The debate on whether you want a digital test or if you would rather use the one with the two lines so that you could tilt it up to the light at a million angles trying to detect even a hint of a line. Sometimes I would choose the digital so that I couldn't do that to myself, but the words "not pregnant" that print out over the screen are so ugly that I think squinting my eyes at the lines is less offensive. SO, I bought a pack of what is known as "internet cheapies" in the infertility world. They are pregnancy test strips that are super cheap, only $5 for a pack of 25. Those have made me feel better...less like I am spending money for no reason. I took my last one on day 27, the day before my period was due. I even used first morning urine, just like you are supposed to and it was negative. Always negative. I held it up to different lights, out the window, in front of a flashlight...definitely negative. So I tossed it and went about my day...putting a couple of tampons in my purse and carrying on.

And here we are. Day 30. I know that my period is going to start. I know it. It always starts. This time is going to hurt. It is going to break my heart. Because I am never late, so now I think it might have happened. I am so tired of getting my hopes crushed. I want it so badly that it physically hurts, but I know that no matter how hard I pray, I can't make it so. I know that I should go buy a pregnancy test. I should do it because it might be a miracle and it might say yes and I might pass out from joy. It might be my day, my moment, our dreams finally coming true. The years of wait over with, the endless nights spent laying awake and wondering if Colin might just miss out on siblings gone for good. The cloud of disappointment taking it's leave from my house. The dream coming to reality. But that doesn't ever happen. And when I let myself think it might be true, I get hurt so badly. So I don't want to buy that test. I don't want to do it. I want to wait and let my period start and be proud that I didn't put myself through it. So that is where I am today. Day 30. Waiting. Praying. Not hoping. Hoping so hard.