Today

I turned 35 years old yesterday. It was a beautiful and rather uneventful day and I spent the majority of my time thanking everyone for my Facebook messages and playing on my new iPad. Sometime during the afternoon, I started thinking about my period. So much has been going on with Colin lately and for the first time in years, I couldn't recall the day my last period started. When you are trying to conceive, you ALWAYS know when your last period started. In fact, you generally know exactly what day in your cycle you are on at any given moment. But the past few weeks have been overwhelming and yesterday it hit me that my period should be starting soon. I pulled up the calendar on my computer and tried to think back to when I had my period. Not at any of the birthday parties we have been going to...not at Easter...hmmm...maybe the week that Jer did the Tough Mudder race? This was driving me crazy yesterday. Mostly just because I always know these things and it felt foreign to truly not remember, even when I gave it a lot of thought. My breasts have been sore all week, which is normal for me before my period starts, so I have been absentmindedly waiting on it to show. It was only yesterday, on my 35th birthday, that I realized I might be late. I thought briefly about buying a pregnancy test after Colin went to sleep, but talked myself out of it. No way was I going to spoil my happy birthday with a negative pregnancy test. I have seen hundreds of them and as usual, I swore off of pregnancy tests last month. :-) I let it go and enjoyed the rest of my evening. I requested Thai for my birthday dinner and Jer picked up a whole bunch of deliciousness, including an order of drunken noodles with chicken and tofu for me, as well as pot stickers and an eggroll. I generally don't eat that much in one sitting (I tend to be a grazer and eat small amounts all day instead of a big meal), but I ate the entire order last night. As I tucked the last bite of noodles into my mouth and wondered what I might find for dessert, I had another fleeting thought about being pregnant. It was an ungodly amount of food to consume in one sitting and there I was, still craving more food. When was the last time I ate that much?? I pushed the last couple of veggies around the plastic takeout container and fought the urge to think about the possibility. The worst part about infertility is the monthly disappointment, and getting your hopes up about "signs"...you always think you have signs or symptoms and then you are never actually pregnant. I was battling this a lot last night because I knew it, but yet I had "known" before and been wrong. I went to bed last night after sifting through my 100+ birthday Facebook messages and thinking a lot about how many wonderful friends I have been blessed with. I remember my last thoughts being about how special a Facebook birthday makes you feel. I forgot to turn on the baby monitor before bed, so I awoke this morning to the faint sounds of Colin calling for me from his bedroom. I sat up in bed and cocked my ear to the sound as Jer walked out of the bathroom fresh from his shower and dressed for work. I jumped out of bed and took off for Colin's room and immediately sucked in my breath from the pain in my chest. I am never this sore and it was in that moment that I realized I was going to break down and buy a pregnancy test after I dropped Colin at school. The morning went normally and after I dropped Colin off, I actually circled the parking lot, internally debating with myself. I did not want to go buy another box of those damn tests for no reason. I always jump the gun and buy tests about 1-2 days before my period starts and I am just so tired of it. But today was different...I still can't put a finger on the first day of my last period. I have it narrowed down to 3/22 - 3/28 and that would definitely mean that I am late today. I flew into Walgreen's and bought the pack of tests, all the while berating myself for being so silly. I got home and walked straight back to take the test, despite the fact that I had gone to the bathroom not 20 minutes earlier. Sure enough, there was not much to test with and I just tossed the partially used test on the counter. The moisture line wasn't even registering yet, so I figured I would wait and test again after a few hours. About 5 minutes later, I walked back into the bathroom and literally almost passed out. There, plain as day, was a positive pregnancy test. A POSITIVE PREGNANCY TEST. Not faint, no squinting required, honest to goodness positive pregnancy test. I proceeded to say the phrase, "OH MY GOD" about 200 times. I paced the bedroom. I didn't burst into tears, as I imagined I would if this ever truly happened, but I dropped to my knees and prayed and thanked God and prayed harder. I then paced more, attempted yet again to calculate the date of my last period and went online to look for a due date. I called my mom. I paced. I tried to watch a show on the DVR. I called my doctor and left messages for his nurses. My official appointment is May 17th and I go tomorrow for bloodwork. 

*edited to say that this is as far as I got on this post, the day I found out I was pregnant.  It was left as a draft and I decided to publish what I had for posterity, despite not finishing the post.  :-)  ~Chalna 8/4/2012