Saturday, August 4, 2012

A Thousand Dreams Come True

Big News from a Big Brother!
Hello, old friend.  Are you surprised to see me?  There has been a lot going on during the last 4 months.  I turned 35.  We celebrated our 9th wedding anniversary.  Colin turned FIVE YEARS OLD two weeks ago.  I found out that I am pregnant.  We've been busy.  :-)
His first picture - 8 weeks pregnant

I AM PREGNANT.  Almost 20 WEEKS PREGNANT.  WITH MY SECOND SON.  I had to take a second to look at that on my screen.  It's a miracle.  It's my dream come true.  It's real. 

My 35th birthday was the one I was dreading.  Once you turn 35, you are considered to be of "Advanced Maternal Age" or AMA.  I have always known that and for some reason during my years of infertility, I took solace in the fact that at least I wasn't 35 yet and that there was still time for it to just happen.  That's pretty foolish, but still it was something that stuck in my head.  I always assumed that I would be done having my babies by the time I was 35.  As my 35th loomed large in front of me, I won't deny that I was mournful.  A friend from growing up had just announced her pregnancy in the days before my birthday and it served to remind me that I truly was done with just Colin.  I had been working very hard to come to terms with our family of three and while I did have mostly good days, it was still a challenge not to think about what I was missing.  The person that I just KNEW was missing.  My mom was in town for my birthday and she took me to lunch while Colin was at school.  I vented to her about how upset I was with this particular birthday and she tried to comfort me.  Little did we both know that I was pregnant at the time.  On Sunday, April 29th, I turned 35.  As I sat at my computer that afternoon and began thanking all of my friends for their Facebook messages, the thought crossed my mind that my period should be here.  The first random thought was that I might need to add tampons to the shopping list.  I pulled up the calendar on the computer and started counting back the days to figure out when I should start.  As I kept counting, I realized that I actually couldn't remember when my last period was.  I kept going back and racking my brain and for the first time in literally years, I couldn't exactly place the day.  It was disconcerting that no matter how I looked at it, I had to be late.  And then I was FURIOUS.  I was not about to take a pregnancy test and suffer my millionth negative result on my birthday, of all days.  I was actually mad that I let the thought even creep into my head.  I had been working so hard to be happy and let it go, but I couldn't stop staring at the calendar that afternoon and wondering.  I managed to wait until the next morning after I dropped Colin at school.  I ran by Walgreen's and got a test.  I had already gone to the bathroom about 30 minutes beforehand, but I still took one when I walked in the door.  The two lines were bright immediately.  I proceeded to take the other two tests in the box during that day.  Bright pregnant.  Finally.  I was in total and complete shock.  I still am, if I am being honest. 

The oddest part of infertility is something that I had never thought about before.  It is the time after you get a positive pregnancy test.  I have never been so scared in my whole life.  When you spend years trying to get pregnant, seeing a positive test is earth shattering.  The joy and relief are so strong, but the fear is crippling.  I never expected that, but it has been the reality.  I couldn't get excited for a long time.  I was terrified that it was going to go away, certain that it couldn't be real.  I had waited so long that I was sure that if I lost the pregnancy, it would kill me.  Honestly.  Since my first pregnancy ended in miscarriage, I was almost too scared to function.  I couldn't talk about it, even with family.  Each office visit has provided momentary relief, but within no time, the fear is back.  It sounds so silly, but I have been so petrified that things were going to go wrong.  I couldn't even discuss baby names or nursery plans.  At my last appointment in July, I found out that we are having another boy.  I saw his precious face and hands and feet and body.  I saw his beating heart (as I have at each visit).  He was so clearly my baby boy laying there in my warm body and I finally started to let go of the strange fear.  I will admit that it's not totally gone.  My next appointment is on Thursday and I have spent the last few days wondering if I should be feeling more stuff by now and if maybe he's not okay.  And then I make a huge effort to shut myself up.  I am the size of a house.  I am clearly having a baby and I need to let go and let God.  But boy, this is harder than I thought it would be.  I cannot wait until he gets here...I hate to rush my last pregnancy, but I can't help but wish he would come out and let me feel him in my arms.  He is due on December 27, 2012.  Colin was a c-section, so this one will be, too.  Dr. White thinks he will probably come on December 21st.  That would have us coming home from the hospital on Christmas Eve.  He is our Christmas miracle.  He is my dream come true.  All of this unnecessary fear kept me from blogging.  I needed to wait.  But now I am ready to shout it from the rooftops.  My miracle is coming! 
12 weeks and beautiful already!

Colin is over the moon.  His response has been even more amazing than I dreamed it would be.  We are all literally blissful.  The floodgates should now open - I have so much to share about what is going on.  Today, it's just about saying the words here and finally writing it down without fear.  We are going to be a family of four.  Finally.  Thank you, God!   
16 weeks - It's a boy! 
* I started a post on the day I took the pregnancy test, April 30th.  I didn't finish it and it was left as a draft.  I decided to post it as is - I know I will love to read it one day, despite not finishing it.  So that is the post below that has just popped up.
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