The Last Thing on the List

In one week, Preston Dean Shaffer will be here.  ONE WEEK.  The mix of emotions that I am feeling right now is absolutely all over the place.  I have been a very busy bee over the last few weeks - trying to get everything lined up for Christmas and the birth of our son at the same time!  It's been crazy, to say the least.  Today was a big goal for me - Colin's big Christmas program at his preschool.  I've been a bit nervous that something would happen and I would go into labor before I could attend this event and it's VERY important to Colin.  This was kind of my final thing that I really felt like I needed to accomplish and now it's done! 

Proud Mommy

Today was one of those wonderful days when you realize that maybe all the hard work is paying off.  Maybe - just maybe - you are raising a really good boy.  :-)

Colin has been having a great year at school - his therapy has REALLY been paying off and for really the first time ever, Colin has managed to make some friends at school without the help of a teacher.  This has also come with new challenges for my sweet boy, including becoming fast friends with a bit of a troublemaker.  We shall call him "Joe" for writing purposes.  Joe has a much older brother and right off the bat this year, Colin started coming home with some new phrases, sayings and behaviors that were obviously learned from someone in class.  All relatively harmless stuff, just things that were a little too old for a pre-K group and would rather Colin not pick up on.  Colin has also shared with me some of the disruptive things that Joe has been doing in class and how he sometimes got Colin involved.  So, we talk a lot about Joe and I always just remind Colin to pay attention to himself and his actions and not worry about what others are doing and just follow the rules of the class.  (Colin can be a bit of a police officer when it comes to school)  Well, last night Colin broke down in tears and shared with me that he and Joe had to sit in the time-out chair during circle time.  He was absolutely beside himself because he had never had a time out at school before and he was just inconsolable about it.  I finally managed to get out of him that Joe had been bugging Colin to play some kind of "slapping" game and Colin kept telling him no, but to no avail.  The poor little peanut - as he was telling me the story he kept saying, "I didn't want to do it, Mom!  I said no over and over again!  He wasn't listening to me!".  The teacher caught the two of them talking and they both got sent to a time-out chair because there is a strict "no talking" rule during circle time.  Colin was horrified!

So as I held Colin on the couch and we talked about the episode, I suggested he sit somewhere different tomorrow - away from Joe.  He welled up again and said that Joe would be upset if he didn't sit by him and he didn't want to lose his friend.  He was so worried about doing the right thing and also not hurting Joe's feelings.  It was then that Colin looked up at me and said, "Mommy, I know.  Can you ask Miss Sandra to move me away from Joe?  You can tell her that I want to be good and I don't want to sit by anyone that will get me in time out ever again.  And you can tell her that if SHE moves me, Joe won't be mad at me and think I am a bad friend.  Is that okay?  Can you please tell Miss Sandra that?!"  I must say, this was a very proud moment for me.  The fact that my socially challenged 5 year old came up with this plan - on top of being so insistent on not getting in trouble and still being a good friend - it just made my heart swell with joy.

When we got to school this morning, the first words out of Colin's mouth when we entered the building were, "Mommy, PLEASE don't forget to talk to Miss Sandra!".  When we walked up to his classroom to check in, he said, "TELL HER NOW, MOM!  Don't forget!!".  It was adorable.  Miss Sandra said, "Clearly you have something to tell me!"  :-)  I gave her the scoop and told her what Colin said.  She was VERY impressed.  She told me that Colin is not one to get in trouble and she LOVED that he came up with the plan to sit away from Joe.  In fact, she said she "couldn't believe he came up with that on his own" and that it was a great idea and she had no problem being the bad guy. When I picked my sweet boy up today, he was in one of the best moods EVER.  In fact, when he turned to say goodbye to his friends, about 5 kids (including Joe) jumped up and HUGGED him!  All at once!  It was the sweetest thing I have ever seen!  Now, Colin is not one for hugging and touching like that, so I saw the sort of pained smile he gave and he said, "Miss Sandra, can you help me out of here?"  HA!!  He said it very sweetly and his teacher cleared away the huggers and Colin ran out to greet me.  I got a subtle thumbs up from his teacher and Colin immediately launched into the story of how perfectly everything worked out and that Miss Sandra asked him to sit over by her and Joe was not mad at all.  He was absolutely jubilant over how things went.  And this mama is absolutely jubilant over the fact that she has one of the best boys in the whole wide world.  It's just been one of those good days, I tell you.  :-)

A Thousand Dreams Come True

Big News from a Big Brother!

Hello, old friend.  Are you surprised to see me?  There has been a lot going on during the last 4 months.  I turned 35.  We celebrated our 9th wedding anniversary.  Colin turned FIVE YEARS OLD two weeks ago.  I found out that I am pregnant.  We've been busy.  :-)

His first picture - 8 weeks pregnant

I AM PREGNANT.  Almost 20 WEEKS PREGNANT.  WITH MY SECOND SON.  I had to take a second to look at that on my screen.  It's a miracle.  It's my dream come true.  It's real. 

My 35th birthday was the one I was dreading.  Once you turn 35, you are considered to be of "Advanced Maternal Age" or AMA.  I have always known that and for some reason during my years of infertility, I took solace in the fact that at least I wasn't 35 yet and that there was still time for it to just happen.  That's pretty foolish, but still it was something that stuck in my head.  I always assumed that I would be done having my babies by the time I was 35.  As my 35th loomed large in front of me, I won't deny that I was mournful.  A friend from growing up had just announced her pregnancy in the days before my birthday and it served to remind me that I truly was done with just Colin.  I had been working very hard to come to terms with our family of three and while I did have mostly good days, it was still a challenge not to think about what I was missing.  The person that I just KNEW was missing.  My mom was in town for my birthday and she took me to lunch while Colin was at school.  I vented to her about how upset I was with this particular birthday and she tried to comfort me.  Little did we both know that I was pregnant at the time.  On Sunday, April 29th, I turned 35.  As I sat at my computer that afternoon and began thanking all of my friends for their Facebook messages, the thought crossed my mind that my period should be here.  The first random thought was that I might need to add tampons to the shopping list.  I pulled up the calendar on the computer and started counting back the days to figure out when I should start.  As I kept counting, I realized that I actually couldn't remember when my last period was.  I kept going back and racking my brain and for the first time in literally years, I couldn't exactly place the day.  It was disconcerting that no matter how I looked at it, I had to be late.  And then I was FURIOUS.  I was not about to take a pregnancy test and suffer my millionth negative result on my birthday, of all days.  I was actually mad that I let the thought even creep into my head.  I had been working so hard to be happy and let it go, but I couldn't stop staring at the calendar that afternoon and wondering.  I managed to wait until the next morning after I dropped Colin at school.  I ran by Walgreen's and got a test.  I had already gone to the bathroom about 30 minutes beforehand, but I still took one when I walked in the door.  The two lines were bright immediately.  I proceeded to take the other two tests in the box during that day.  Bright pregnant.  Finally.  I was in total and complete shock.  I still am, if I am being honest. 

The oddest part of infertility is something that I had never thought about before.  It is the time after you get a positive pregnancy test.  I have never been so scared in my whole life.  When you spend years trying to get pregnant, seeing a positive test is earth shattering.  The joy and relief are so strong, but the fear is crippling.  I never expected that, but it has been the reality.  I couldn't get excited for a long time.  I was terrified that it was going to go away, certain that it couldn't be real.  I had waited so long that I was sure that if I lost the pregnancy, it would kill me.  Honestly.  Since my first pregnancy ended in miscarriage, I was almost too scared to function.  I couldn't talk about it, even with family.  Each office visit has provided momentary relief, but within no time, the fear is back.  It sounds so silly, but I have been so petrified that things were going to go wrong.  I couldn't even discuss baby names or nursery plans.  At my last appointment in July, I found out that we are having another boy.  I saw his precious face and hands and feet and body.  I saw his beating heart (as I have at each visit).  He was so clearly my baby boy laying there in my warm body and I finally started to let go of the strange fear.  I will admit that it's not totally gone.  My next appointment is on Thursday and I have spent the last few days wondering if I should be feeling more stuff by now and if maybe he's not okay.  And then I make a huge effort to shut myself up.  I am the size of a house.  I am clearly having a baby and I need to let go and let God.  But boy, this is harder than I thought it would be.  I cannot wait until he gets here...I hate to rush my last pregnancy, but I can't help but wish he would come out and let me feel him in my arms.  He is due on December 27, 2012.  Colin was a c-section, so this one will be, too.  Dr. White thinks he will probably come on December 21st.  That would have us coming home from the hospital on Christmas Eve.  He is our Christmas miracle.  He is my dream come true.  All of this unnecessary fear kept me from blogging.  I needed to wait.  But now I am ready to shout it from the rooftops.  My miracle is coming! 

12 weeks and beautiful already!

Colin is over the moon.  His response has been even more amazing than I dreamed it would be.  We are all literally blissful.  The floodgates should now open - I have so much to share about what is going on.  Today, it's just about saying the words here and finally writing it down without fear.  We are going to be a family of four.  Finally.  Thank you, God!   

16 weeks - It's a boy! 

* I started a post on the day I took the pregnancy test, April 30th.  I didn't finish it and it was left as a draft.  I decided to post it as is - I know I will love to read it one day, despite not finishing it.  So that is the post below that has just popped up.

Today

I turned 35 years old yesterday. It was a beautiful and rather uneventful day and I spent the majority of my time thanking everyone for my Facebook messages and playing on my new iPad. Sometime during the afternoon, I started thinking about my period. So much has been going on with Colin lately and for the first time in years, I couldn't recall the day my last period started. When you are trying to conceive, you ALWAYS know when your last period started. In fact, you generally know exactly what day in your cycle you are on at any given moment. But the past few weeks have been overwhelming and yesterday it hit me that my period should be starting soon. I pulled up the calendar on my computer and tried to think back to when I had my period. Not at any of the birthday parties we have been going to...not at Easter...hmmm...maybe the week that Jer did the Tough Mudder race? This was driving me crazy yesterday. Mostly just because I always know these things and it felt foreign to truly not remember, even when I gave it a lot of thought. My breasts have been sore all week, which is normal for me before my period starts, so I have been absentmindedly waiting on it to show. It was only yesterday, on my 35th birthday, that I realized I might be late. I thought briefly about buying a pregnancy test after Colin went to sleep, but talked myself out of it. No way was I going to spoil my happy birthday with a negative pregnancy test. I have seen hundreds of them and as usual, I swore off of pregnancy tests last month. :-) I let it go and enjoyed the rest of my evening. I requested Thai for my birthday dinner and Jer picked up a whole bunch of deliciousness, including an order of drunken noodles with chicken and tofu for me, as well as pot stickers and an eggroll. I generally don't eat that much in one sitting (I tend to be a grazer and eat small amounts all day instead of a big meal), but I ate the entire order last night. As I tucked the last bite of noodles into my mouth and wondered what I might find for dessert, I had another fleeting thought about being pregnant. It was an ungodly amount of food to consume in one sitting and there I was, still craving more food. When was the last time I ate that much?? I pushed the last couple of veggies around the plastic takeout container and fought the urge to think about the possibility. The worst part about infertility is the monthly disappointment, and getting your hopes up about "signs"...you always think you have signs or symptoms and then you are never actually pregnant. I was battling this a lot last night because I knew it, but yet I had "known" before and been wrong. I went to bed last night after sifting through my 100+ birthday Facebook messages and thinking a lot about how many wonderful friends I have been blessed with. I remember my last thoughts being about how special a Facebook birthday makes you feel. I forgot to turn on the baby monitor before bed, so I awoke this morning to the faint sounds of Colin calling for me from his bedroom. I sat up in bed and cocked my ear to the sound as Jer walked out of the bathroom fresh from his shower and dressed for work. I jumped out of bed and took off for Colin's room and immediately sucked in my breath from the pain in my chest. I am never this sore and it was in that moment that I realized I was going to break down and buy a pregnancy test after I dropped Colin at school. The morning went normally and after I dropped Colin off, I actually circled the parking lot, internally debating with myself. I did not want to go buy another box of those damn tests for no reason. I always jump the gun and buy tests about 1-2 days before my period starts and I am just so tired of it. But today was different...I still can't put a finger on the first day of my last period. I have it narrowed down to 3/22 - 3/28 and that would definitely mean that I am late today. I flew into Walgreen's and bought the pack of tests, all the while berating myself for being so silly. I got home and walked straight back to take the test, despite the fact that I had gone to the bathroom not 20 minutes earlier. Sure enough, there was not much to test with and I just tossed the partially used test on the counter. The moisture line wasn't even registering yet, so I figured I would wait and test again after a few hours. About 5 minutes later, I walked back into the bathroom and literally almost passed out. There, plain as day, was a positive pregnancy test. A POSITIVE PREGNANCY TEST. Not faint, no squinting required, honest to goodness positive pregnancy test. I proceeded to say the phrase, "OH MY GOD" about 200 times. I paced the bedroom. I didn't burst into tears, as I imagined I would if this ever truly happened, but I dropped to my knees and prayed and thanked God and prayed harder. I then paced more, attempted yet again to calculate the date of my last period and went online to look for a due date. I called my mom. I paced. I tried to watch a show on the DVR. I called my doctor and left messages for his nurses. My official appointment is May 17th and I go tomorrow for bloodwork. 

*edited to say that this is as far as I got on this post, the day I found out I was pregnant.  It was left as a draft and I decided to publish what I had for posterity, despite not finishing the post.  :-)  ~Chalna 8/4/2012

A Tuesday

It's TUESDAY.  We don't do anything on Tuesday.  It's the best day ever.  Colin doesn't have school and it always feels like the first chance we have had to do absolutely nothing.  Sometimes we get dressed, sometimes we don't.  We always make a giant mess.  And by "we", I mean Colin.  My brilliant son is not satisfied to just lay out some trucks or play with his legos.  Nope.  My son likes to turn the living room into a city/zoo/pool/construction site/hotel/school...you can really change out any of those options on any given day.  He turns the stack of dirty clothes into a mountain on top of his trampoline and plants a flag there.  He takes out every tool bench he has to create check out lines at his grocery store.  Today, he dumped his entire craft box onto the living room couch and created "art stations".  He used popsicle sticks of various sizes and glued them TO my kitchen counter.  Granted, there was paper there somewhere, but everything got glued to the counter regardless.  I don't care a bit...Elmer's Glue wipes right up and I hate standing over him when he is trying to create something and bark in his ear about making a mess.  Kids are supposed to make messes.  He is having a great time and I shall clean it up later.  No big shakes.  It's a good thing for Colin that he was born with a mom who was not worried about disasters.  ;-)  He asked me to bring his table from his playroom into the kitchen so that he could arrange a battle.  The battle is between the creatures that he made out of Playdough and his army men.  My house looks like a large bomb exploded.  When Jer gets home from work, I plan to send the boys to the park so that I can clean up the mess.  We always like to have a clean slate for another day of "creating".  But in case you are curious, or have only been to my house when it is tidy (in other words, when I was expecting company and pretended that we don't live in a trash heap), please enjoy this window into our Tuesday.  ;-)

The "art stations".  So lovely.

Notice the purple sticks glued to my counter? 

The constructed battle scene with playdough creatures and army platoon.

This makes sense to Colin...I am doubting the need for chocolate eggs and Christmas microphone, but whatever.  ;-)

While all this was going on, I cooked.  I have just taken up Thai cuisine.  Thai is one of my most favorite things on the planet and I have been trying my hand at more Asian stuff these days.  It's the most delicious food, but usually requires a trip to the Asian market or Central Market at the least.  I've been working on my Thai pantry and things are coming along nicely.  Just moments ago, I completed the most delicious thing I have ever made.  Okay, maybe that's a slight exaggeration.  Wait, no it's not.  I crafted what is basically a cheaters version of sticky rice with mango that is the Thai dessert staple.  I could live off the stuff but there is no way that I am going through the actual process of making sticky rice, which starts with soaking rice for 3 hours.  UM, no.  I made this with orzo pasta of all things!!  It turned out AH-MAZING.  It is going to take all the willpower in the free world not to finish the whole batch this afternoon.  I have also perfected my peanut sauce, which I made a big batch of last night for a chicken cabbage salad.  I saved the rest for today and have my chicken satay marinating as we speak.  I am making chicken satay "sandwiches" for dinner, using the marinated grilled chicken, cilantro, a cucumber/jalapeno salad, and the peanut sauce.  I was going to make them on ciabatta bread, but ran into some naan at the store that spoke to me, so I am going to serve the sandwiches open face over a warm piece of naan bread.  I am pretty sure that I just combined cuisines from more than 3 countries there, but whatever.  I love to cook.  Have I mentioned that lately?  ;-)

HEAVENLY!  This is seriously some of my best work. 

The weather is absolutely stunning right now and I know that we are heading back into the 110 degree hell known as Texas summer, so I am trying to soak it up.  You know, by staying in the house in my pajamas and cooking.  ;-)  We did manage to spend some time outdoors and we were shocked to see that one of the bushes in our front yard is covered in different kinds of butterflies!  I LOVE IT!  I got the camera out and used it as an excuse to do a little photography practice.  Colin tried so hard to catch one so that he could get a closer look, but they were not having it!   

So there you have it for one random Tuesday in April.  And now, since it's 2:26pm, I think I will go get dressed.  And eat another piece of that dessert.  And peel the popsicle sticks off the counter.  Or something.

Easter!

It's 7:00am.  The Easter Bunny has delivered.

My handsome man...a little bit later.

An old pro at egg hunts!

Sigh...so beautiful! 

The Easter loot...the bunny was good!

School Easter Egg Hunt Day!

Easter weekend was wonderful and busy and a little bit crazy.  Even with all the drama surrounding Colin's anxiety, we managed to make it a happy time and for that I am incredibly thankful!  On Saturday we went to our sweet friend Pierce's 3rd birthday party and I was really proud of Colin.  He did freeze when we first got there, despite the fact that it was held somewhere that Colin knows well and with only his friends in attendance.  But he walked in on his own.  We circled the party and he was clearly upset and avoiding any and all eye contact.  But I whispered to him on several occasions that we could leave whenever he wanted to and he didn't want to go.  He was scared, but he knew that he wanted to be there and was willing to work through it.  We sat off by ourselves for a good while, but after about 45 minutes he snapped out of it and joined every bit of the party.  It's quite a process, but we are so blessed to have people surrounding us that understand and love us no matter what.  Everyone was so supportive and helpful and I just can't put into words how great it feels to be in a group of people that I know are not judging us.  It was absolutely no big deal to anyone that Colin was upset at first and nobody gave us a second glance as we sat by ourselves.  Our friends are a safe place for my whole family and I don't know what I would do without them.  Colin comes across as very angry and volatile when he is panicked and keeps his head down, cries and won't talk when spoken to.  But this is all his defense mechanism.  And I don't have to worry that anyone in my close circle is thinking badly about us.  Even though I don't care what strangers think, it does feel nice to know that I am around people that understand and love us no matter what.  The party was so much fun!  The Roberts family always throw the best birthday parties! 

That night, I spent a couple of hours putting the Easter Bunny stuff together and I packed the eggs with prizes that I found at Dollar General and Target.  I bought everything I could find that was small enough to hide in an Easter egg.  I was determined that Colin get the prize eggs that he was so upset about missing out on.  I think I went a bit overboard, but it was well worth it to see the joy on his face.  He told me a couple of times that the Easter bunny must have known that he had trouble with the egg hunt and sent him special treats.  That made my whole day. 

Colin woke up at the crack of dawn (as usual) and we hunted eggs by the light of the moon.  There was no putting him off when he woke up, of course!  I regretted the decision to let him wear pajamas to bed that are about 8 sizes too small because the pictures of the hunt are not exactly his finest fashion moment.  But, oh well.  ;-)  My skinny peanut can still wear his 3T pajamas and loves them, so who cares.  But they are SERIOUSLY too short now.  I need to buy some new summer ones asap!  Anyway, after the hunt, I whipped up a banana cake with brown butter icing (JOY) and we got dressed to head over to Jer's parents house.  Colin had even more treats waiting there and loved his yearly egg hunt in their backyard.  It rained and stormed all afternoon, but it was still a great day.  There is only one thing that bothers me a bit and that is the fact that we haven't been to church yet with Colin.  I really miss church on Easter Sunday and it reminds me that we really really need to figure out a way to become active church members, but I just don't know how to do it.  Colin has never been able to attend church services because he can't be dropped off in a crowded Sunday school environment.  Church is everything that scares him - a large building full of strangers, lots of noise, being dropped off with different faces, everything that causes his panic rolled into one outing.  It just won't work.  And he can't sit through big church yet, so we have waited.  That was the MAIN reason that I made sure that Colin went to a church preschool.  I thank heaven above that he has been getting a steady stream of christian teaching while going to school.  He loves Jesus and God and we had lots of great conversation regarding the true meaning of Easter.  So I feel blessed that he is getting a chance to learn about Christ even though we can't quite do church yet.  And on another note, is it strange that at 34 years old, I still refer to it as "big church"?  HA! 

Anyway, I really do have lots more to write about and lots of post topics running through my head, but I am going to call it quits for tonight.  I have an episode of Smash burning a hole in my DVR and I must watch it.  But I told myself that I was absolutely not going to put off blogging anymore, so I am patting myself on the back for waiting until after the Easter update.  :-)

Here and Now

I am an eternal optimist.  It's what I do.  I am certain that regardless of the trial, things are going to turn out okay.  I want everyone to be happy all. the. time.  I really do think that everything is always going to be fine...better than fine...wonderful.  There are times when my unflappable optimism is an asset.  But there are times when I don't know what to do with myself.  It has been exactly two months since my last post and the real reason for that is my complete and utter hatred of writing unhappy thoughts.  Isn't that silly?  It's my blog, my place to journal our lives, something to look back on to recreate the story of us when I can't remember it anymore.  Life has ups and downs and I am certainly aware of the fact that it's not all raindrops on roses for anyone.  I am at least somewhat rational and aware that it won't hurt a soul if I actually write about everything.  However, the last couple of months have been rather trying and at the end of a busy day that was wholly lacking "whiskers on kittens", I would much rather park it on the couch and lose myself in the latest episode of Smash.  And on another note, how freaking awesome is Smash?!  :-)  But I digress...

Colin is having a hard time.  A really really hard time.  See, I just wrote that phrase and then paused while I wondered how to go on with the story.  There is so much and it's all so much greater than words on a page.  He is beautiful and healthy and we have a wonderful life.  We are blessed.  I like to focus on that.  But there is a lot more to the story.  His anxiety disorder is overwhelming him right now and as his mother, it's a lot.  Our daily life is a minefield at the moment.  I suppose that things have always been like that in a way, but I was always able to carry him over the obstacles in our path.  He is too big to carry now and while I am still holding his hand, he is having to learn to walk beside me through them.  Does that make sense?  I hope so.

His fear paralyzes him from deep within and the examples are plenty.  I could write all night and not begin to share everything that has happened.  I tried to pick him up from school after getting a haircut and he wouldn't come out of the classroom or allow me to touch him.  Some days he can't go inside the grocery store and he can no longer get a haircut.  I had to invest in my own salon tools and have taught myself how to do it via youtube videos and prayer.  (just don't look too closely at his hair and it's fine)  ;-)  We miss parties and ball games and now he can't get himself inside the school.  That is the only one that we can't let go of and now going to class involves back entrances and teachers holding him down so that I can leave while his screams echo around me.  That one breaks me into a thousand pieces and shatters every ounce of bravery that I have.  And I always just manage to get myself back into my car before I crack.  I have to lay my head down on the steering wheel and cry until it feels better and I remind myself that he. is. going. to. be. fine.  And HE IS.  I am down on occasion, but I am not out.  And don't all mothers do this?  Carry the weight of the world on our shoulders so that our babies don't hurt?  My load is far lighter than so many others and I know this and am thankful. 

We had a parent conference with his therapist yesterday and she said something that really hit me.  She told us that we need a chance to mourn the loss of the childhood we thought he would have.  Which is so perfectly true.  I can't keep trying to fit a round peg into a square hole.  He is probably not ever going to be on the baseball team or in every possible school club and activity (ahem...like his mother was).  He looks like me for sure, but he is Colin and he is going to like what HE likes.  And that is okay!  I could honestly care less!  But I have been trying so hard to give him what I thought was the perfect childhood and I need to start paying more attention to what he actually wants rather than my idealistic image of it. 

The good news is that we have a team of the absolute best professionals in the world helping Colin and I know that we are going to turn the corner soon.  Everyone is already helping in every way they can.  As the mother bear, I do find myself wanting to stand in front of him and keep judging eyes away from my baby.  But I also truly and completely don't care what others think.  Today, we attempted an Easter egg hunt at our pediatrician's office.  He is so sweet and hosts the most adorable hunt in the yard beside his parking lot.  I thought Colin might like it because of it's small scale and he was so so so excited to go.  He even got out of the car and walked up to the festivities!  When we left the house, I assured him that we would drive by first and check it out and he could decide if he wanted to try it.  He hopped right out when we got there and walked up into the crowd, which was just a miracle.  He even lined up with all the other 3 to 6 year olds (there were probably 20 other kids his age, 50 total at the whole event) with his basket, all ready to go.  But when Dr. Martin's wife yelled, " Get Ready, Get Set, GO!", he froze and burst into tears.  Heaving crying and literally frozen on the little curb in front of the grass.  I tried everything to calm him down, but he was beside himself.  He stood there rooted to the ground while all the eggs were hunted.  He took his deep breaths and then pulled himself out of my shirt and asked if I would go with him and hold his hand.  But, of course, the eggs were all gone.  And then it was a real breakdown when he realized that he missed the whole thing.  He went into full panic attack mode where I can't touch him or calm him and we just have to ride it out until I can break through to him.  And these are the moments when I feel the eyes on us...Colin raging and screaming...but today, I did not care.  Not a bit.  One extremely wonderful mom (just one), took a handful of eggs out of her daughters basket and quietly placed them in the one I was holding while Colin screamed.  And I wanted to wrap my arms around her and thank her, but I couldn't...so I mouthed my thanks and said a little prayer of gratitude for the people in this world like her.  And you can bet that I held Colin in the car and told him that the Easter bunny was going to bring him the very best Easter egg hunt in the free world and it would be a thousand times better than anything that could have been in those eggs he missed.  Which reminds me, I really need to go back to the store before tomorrow night.  ;-) 

You know what else his counselor told us?  That Colin was brilliant and blows her mind constantly.  She said that while we do need to mourn the loss of what we pictured for him, we need to also enjoy the special gifts that we are lucky enough to be apart of.  And I didn't need that advice at all.  Colin is the most amazing boy in the world.  Listening to him talk and simply being near his mind is more joy than I could have fathomed.  He is awesome.  He likes to watch heart surgery online.  He spends half an hour making an anatomically correct heart as decoration on an Easter egg.  He contemplates the universe.  He accepts absolutely nothing as fact and needs to see what makes everything tick.  He is, quite simply, the coolest kid I have ever met.  So this blog is going to perk up.  I am going to write about the amazing things that come out of his mouth.  I am going to write about how much smarter he is than me.  I am going to write about our bad days and I am going to write about the outstanding ones.  I want to remember all of it and the majority IS silver white winters that melt into spring.  Well, not exactly in Texas, but you know what I mean.  :-)