Friday, February 19, 2010

Mommy Worries

I am having one of those days. I need to vent and nothing makes me feel better than writing, so here we go. I decided on a whim this morning to take Colin out to a railroad museum that features model trains and a toddler story time. Colin LOVES trains and my mommy group had a playdate scheduled there this morning, so I thought it would be a fun trip. Colin slept great last night after expending a good deal of energy chasing after his older cousins and it seemed like the perfect morning to go for a trip. The event was on the other side of the Metroplex, almost a full hour from home. When we arrived, Colin was jumping up and down in his car seat exclaiming "Trains!! My favorite!!" and I thought that he was going to have a blast. Unfortunately, I was mistaken. As soon as we walked in the door, he saw other people. This spelled disaster. The little museum was adorable, but rather small, and it was full of other moms, toddlers and siblings. Colin is such a shy little boy, and he would not let me put him down. He saw some of our good friends, but it did not make up for the crowded feeling that he so dislikes. He began chanting immediately that he wanted to go home and I made a real effort to calm him down by pointing out the different model trains and other displays. He lasted about 15 minutes and ended up at the door begging to leave. I walked outside with him in a last attempt to calm his nerves and he spotted the attached playground close by. He perked up immediately and was all smiles as he ran through the blustery cold wind toward the park. He played there for a good half hour while I shivered (I did not bring my coat...oops!) and asked repeatedly if he would go back inside for the story. He vehemently refused. We ended up leaving before I was able to say goodbye to anyone and I was that mother again...the one who disappears after mere minutes at a playdate. These situations are always the hardest for me. Colin was not doing anything wrong at all and of course did absolutely nothing that required punishing. I can't force Colin to have fun somewhere and I certainly can't force him to not be shy...nor would I want to. I love everything about who he is and would not change him at all. I internally debate myself sometimes wondering what the right steps are to make Colin feel more comfortable in his surroundings. There are times when it is right to push Colin, but there are also times that I know the situation cannot be recovered. I can judge that almost the instant that we arrive somewhere...if he is slightly shy or cowering, I can push him to try what is making him nervous and he will warm up and enjoy himself. If we walk in the door and he immediately starts crying and clinging to me like a baby monkey, it is pretty much over right off the bat. I keep trying new things however...I am not going to give up. Even though I can't fully judge what will bother him and what he will tolerate, I still have to give everything a shot. I don't want Colin to miss out on the world because of his sensitives. It is hard because I can't pinpoint exactly what will bother him. He loves going out with me and we have such happy days together. He does not mind being in crowded restaurants or play places of any kind. He loves Chuck E. Cheese, McDonald's and any and every park. He gets upset when there are other people involved in an outing...places that we are interacting with people he does not know very well or he feels crowded or overwhelmed in any way. We can be with friends that Colin knows well, but the event itself may overwhelm him. It is hard for me to explain in writing and harder still to get the thoughts into the correct words.

Sometimes I feel alone...I suppose that is the right word for it. I don't have any friends with children who display sensitivities like Colin does and I don't have anyone to talk to about it. I think a lot about how to raise Colin, how to introduce him to things that bother him and how to teach him. He is such a sensitive, brilliant and complex child and there are times that I feel like I am going about everything is in those moments that I wish I had someone to bounce ideas off of. When I arrive at a playdate and all the other two year old boys run off and start playing and Colin stands paralyzed at my side, it hurts my heart a little. Not because I mind Colin being shy, because I don't at all, but because I hope that I am doing the right things to make him happy. He is so loud and funny and silly...he is almost the opposite child of the one people see when we go out. He is, however, sensitive at all times. When he is punished for something, the only thing he is concerned about is me and if I am "still sad" and "are you happy now, Mommy?". He cannot stand for someone to seem upset at all. He is so vocal and precious and brilliant and also painfully shy when faced with certain things in the outside world. It is so hard to put into words and now I am just rambling. I don't think there is a bottom line to this stream of thought...I just find myself standing in the back of whatever event we attend with a precious little boy paralyzed by shyness and fear. I want to take that away for him, but I can't...or don't know how. I don't want to change him, but I do want to help him.

Jer has told me that he felt much the same way that Colin does when he was little, so I don't worry too much. Jer turned out to be a brilliant, funny, amazing man despite being a shy little boy. :-) I can handle the world with another Jeremy, that's for sure! Heck, maybe the whole problem is simply that Colin has such an extrovert for a mother that he just seems shy in comparison! ;-)

Wednesday, February 17, 2010

Pain Update!

I didn't want to worry friends and family who read my blog, so I thought I should update this asap. I just spoke to my doctor who got the results from everything and I am just fine. It turns out that I have a small ovarian cyst on my right ovary that apparently is causing the pain. It is nothing serious and should probably go away on it's own. If I am still hurting in a week, he suggests checking in with my ob/gyn about it. He said it is nothing to be alarmed about, but they can be painful. So there you have it! I will live! :-)

Lots of Stuff, Not Necessarily in Order!

I can't believe that I let two weeks pass without posting. I HATE it when I do that. Our giant snow storm prompted me to finally post a few days ago, but I am just not happy about the big gap. There are several reasons for my disappearing act, the main being that Colin does not take naps anymore. I always posted during Colin's naps...even if I could not get a post finished, I could at least get it well underway. Then when I put Colin to bed at night, I could quickly tie up the loose ends of the post and get it up. I don't have a moment to myself during the day anymore, which means that when Colin goes to bed, I have loads of things to do. If I sit back on the computer and post, I don't get any time with Jer. Therefore, I have not been posting. I have to re-organize my time during the day and work on posts in little intervals when I have a free moment rather than wait for a large chunk of time to devote to writing. I started my cooking blog and have made no less than 50 meals that have gone unposted. I just have to prioritize and spending some precious time with Jer comes before writing about my dinner escapades. All of this made me think about Pioneer on God's green earth does that woman work a ranch, home school four children, keep up two giantly famous blogs, and cook all of that food???? She is obviously a supermom and there are moments when I look down at the sweatpants that I have been wearing for 3 days straight and wonder if I am doing a good job. I think that all mothers worry about this, so I know that I am not alone. Plus, winter gives me the blah's. So that is part of my problem, too. :-)

In other absolutely not fun news, I am currently undergoing all kinds of tests to figure out what is causing a big pain in my side...literally! I started hurting on Sunday evening and it has not let up at all, although it has not gotten worse. I just have a really annoying pain on my right side, sort of right in the middle of my side. I had a CAT scan yesterday that included drinking large amounts of something called "barium", which was not fun. So far they have found gallstones, which makes me feel old. :-) I had an ultrasound this afternoon to get a better look at my gallbladder and hope to have more answers soon. It is hard to chase a two year old around when your side constantly hurts, but I feel very lucky that it seems to be nothing serious at all. I was worried it was my appendix or kidney stones and I am VERY glad that neither of those are the problem!!

Jer's step-brother Andy and his family are in town at the moment and we shared dinner with them last night at my in-laws house. It was a WONDERFUL night, even with the pain in my side! Andy and his wife Sue are the sweetest people and their sons, Jake and Noah, are the most precious boys. They are so amazingly well-behaved and they were incredibly sweet to Colin. In fact, Colin has been talking about them all day long. They were so patient with Colin and showered him with attention, which made the night so lovely. Colin was taken with everyone and during his "goodnights" last night, he added Andy, Sue, Jake and Noah in without my prompting. It was absolutely precious! Another family friend was also in attendance and she had her four year old daughter Katie there as well. Watching Colin play with all the kids reminded me how much fun I can look forward to when Colin has a sibling. He does not need my constant attention when he plays with other children and he seems so happy. I am looking forward to the day that we have another little one around here!

Oh, and I can't forget to add that I attended a surprise 30th birthday party for my very good friend Kimberly last Saturday! A big group of us showed up at Kim's parents house right as they finished up their "Valentine's" dinner and I think we got her good!! :-) Jer had to stay home with Colin, but I still had the best night celebrating with Kim. I absolutely adore my precious friends! Here we are being giant dorks, which is EXACTLY why I love these girls. It makes my heart happy! :-) We have big plans coming up in March to attend Phantom of the Opera in Dallas, complete with dress up clothes and dinner! I literally cannot wait!!

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