Shoulda, Coulda, Woulda

I need to purge some mommy guilt tonight...I am feeling very sorry that I did not breast feed Colin for longer than 5 months. I wanted to so badly, but when I went back to work it became the hardest thing in the entire world. I pumped several times a day while at the office, but even with all the pumping, Colin needed at least one bottle of formula in the evenings for me to keep up with him. He would drink the expressed breast milk while at Miss Anne's house and then I would have to give him the formula bottle at night before bed. This led to Colin only physically breast feeding during the middle of the night feedings. Everything else was pumped. I was running myself literally ragged...my little man was still waking up 5 times a night at that point and I was also working full time and pumping full time to keep him fed. I did this religiously until the 5 month mark. This was when Colin stopped wanting to breast feed in the middle of the night. He would scream when I tried to put him to the breast...I am pretty sure that he had gotten so used to bottle feeding all day that he did not want to do the extra work anymore at the breast. I was devastated by this...I loved to breast feed him and was so sorry that he wanted to stop!! Soon after this, my body really started slowing production and my period started. Then I really started to dry up! At this point, Colin was at half formula and half breast milk! So I let it happen and weaned myself off pumping. Colin has always been a big guy and a big eater, so it was a huge weight off my shoulders when I finally gave in and went to full formula at 5 months.

My sadness tonight comes from the fact that I let that my job get in the way of taking care of Colin like I really wanted to. I had to go back to work, but I hate that it ruined breast feeding for me. I hate that the first 12 weeks of Colin's life were perfect and then I messed with it. He was an awesome breast feeder from the instant he was born. We never had trouble with it...he was a champ and gained tons of weight quickly! It was going back to work and putting him at Miss Anne's house that changed the dynamic and forced me to switch to bottle feeding my expressed milk. I was thinking about this tonight as I was putting Colin to bed. He is getting so big...I just put him into bed and he rolled over onto his side and went to sleep. I was standing there looking at him, all chubby and happy. I can't believe this big guy is the same little thing that used to nurse while laying on that tiny Boppy pillow. I wish I could go back sometimes and feel him so small against me, which is why I wish I could have kept solely breastfeeding for longer. It is time that you just don't get back! I loved it so much!

Okay, I feel better. :-)